


Can’t do anything right

by jokingspeaker



Category: Psycho-Pass
Genre: Angst, Angst without a happy ending, Attempted Suicide, Depression, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Suicide Attempt, Survivor’s Guilt, intense guilt, vent fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-08
Updated: 2020-08-08
Packaged: 2021-03-05 22:26:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,777
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25782847
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jokingspeaker/pseuds/jokingspeaker
Summary: AU where Shogo tried to shoot Akane, but Kogami pushed her out of the way and died. Akane feels intense guilt for his death as well as Yuuki’s and it kills her, bit by bit. She loses her title of inspector and gets degraded to enforcer due to her heightening hue. She falls into self-harm and a deep depression, feeling so guilty that she is still alive.
Kudos: 2





	Can’t do anything right

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this years ago, and just found it in my notes. I don’t remember much about it/the anime, but I did proofread this. 
> 
> Keep in mind this was a vent fic. TW for self-harm and attempted suicide.

  
"Tsunemori?" Ginoza narrowed his eyes, repeating her name once more. "Tsunemori, are you listening?" 

Akane widened her eyes, realizing he had been calling her several times. She had been lost in thought. That scene replayed in her mind countless times every since it occurred; no matter how hard she tried to push it away, it was resilient. 

"Sorry. I was just thinking, Ginoza." She responded blankly, looking up at the inspector.

"It's rude to address your superior in such a casual manner, Enforcer Tsunemori," Ginoza said, raising an eyebrow. "But I suppose I do not really mind." 

These days, Akane was quiet, distracted, and blank. No one could really read her, and it worried Ginoza to a great extent. 

Ever since that incident, their superiors had advised her to take a leave, but she refused and instead insisted to continue working. That she did. 

Her eye bags were always visible, something unlike the diligent worker who always took care of herself, and she rarely ever accepted dates to hang out or ate visibly.

Akane could never get any sleep; she would always dream of that incident, and wake up in tears, wake up shaking and loathing herself and completely panicked. 

She pushed everyone away, insisting that she was "fine".

Ginoza knew that was nonsense, but he could never get through to her. 

She had gotten so terrible after the incident that her Hue sky rocketed to the three-hundreds. Her psycho-pass deteriorated horribly and she was labeled a latent criminal in no time, degraded to an enforcer.

As she walked by, other inspectors and workers would comment about her, whispering about how she was supposed to be the feared inspector whose Hue never fluctuated.

Akane never did anything about those comments, but they really got to her. They reminded her about how terribly weak she was, brought negativity to loom down on her. 

Walking into the office with Ginoza, she was greeted by Yayoi, who was on the phone with Shion. There was no one else in the office. 

Kagari's usual spot playing video games was empty, as was Kogami's and Masaoka's. It felt terribly empty and made her nostalgic about old times—when Ginoza would scold Kagari for being careless, and Kogami would make a sneering comment, gaining Masaoka's chuckle. Akane would watch passively and Yayoi would shake her head at their idiocy. 

It was an understatement to say Akane missed them so much her heart hurt. 

The new inspector walked into the room, greeting everyone. 

"Good morning, enforcer Tsunemori." She said, waving and smiling a bit reluctantly. The new inspector was aware that Akane was a former inspector who had amazing capabilities and was an exceptional leader. She was aware about the terrible incident that occurred to her, and how it caused her to become a passive follower in the group that contributed to nothing.

Thus, she tried to close in on her slowly, so as to not trigger anything. She was always wary when speaking to her.

"Yes, good morning." Akane would reply, cutting off any chance for conversation when she turned away. The new inspector wondered why she was always so cold to her. 

It's not like Akane _meant_ to be so cold. 

When she saw the new inspector, she would be reminded of how that should have been _her_ , leading the team and maintaining peace. Yet, she was here as a government dog, labeled a latent criminal with barely any rights. 

She was reminded of how she failed as an inspector, as a friend, as a person. She failed, she failed, she _failed_ , it seemed like all she could ever do was fail like the weak person she was. _Weak, weak, weak—_

"Tsunemori, are you alright?" Ginoza asked her, expression worried—which was weird enough, as the uptight inspector barely ever showed any emotions—as he placed a hand on Akane's quivering shoulder. 

She suddenly flinched away at his touch, a completely unconscious reflex that she had developed only after the incident. She hadn't realized she had been shaking. Quickly, she smiled and replied, "Yes, I'm fine." 

_That reply again,_ Ginoza thought, furrowing his brows. He sighed, upset at her reluctance to open up to him, but turned away to finish his work nevertheless. 

On the day that they had gone after the factory because of Kogami's news that Shougo would be present, things spiraled downhill. Kogami and Akane had gone themselves to deal with Shougo. 

That day, Akane returned alone. Her Hue was at an execution's permit, face splattered with blood that was not her own. 

_"I killed him,"_ She had muttered under her breath. _"I killed him. I killed them both. They're dead. Kogami's dead. He's dead."_ She repeated the words over and over, Ginoza watching sadly as she quivered and tears covered her already tear-stained cheeks. He couldn't ask her what happened, not there. Not when she was completely broken. 

The new enforcer walked into the office, sitting down in Kogami's old seat. Akane saw him, watching him as he took the seat of the person she couldn't save, the person she was in love with. Even when he wasn't there, she stared for seemingly hours at a time every day, remembering Kogami's active figure as he sorted papers on that seat and breathed, as he looked over at Akane and smiled crookedly at her, as he went out onto the balcony and smoked a cigarette staring peacefully into the city. 

She remembered him as he rose at his grave, skin rotten and peeling and forehead pierced with a bullet as he pushed her to the ground and choked her, repeating, _"Why didn't you save me, Akane? Why did you want me to die?"_

She did not fight back. _"You should die, die, die,"_ He said, voice distorted. _"Pay for killing me, for killing Yuki. Die. You deserve death."_

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm so, so sorry," She said through her tears, unable to breath from his choking hold.

 _"Sorry won't bring me back,"_ Yuki said, scratching her way up from her grave. Blood poured indefinitely from her pierced throat and splattered onto the barren desert, clothes shredded and scattered with dirt, hair unbelievably messy.

 _"Die. You deserve to die."_ She repeated, holding Akane's arm over the railing of a roof fifty stories high. 

Instead of crying for help, Akane let go, screaming and weeping as she fell.

"Akane, Akane, wake up!" Ginoza yelled, shaking her awake.

She had accidentally dozed off at her desk and almost seemed as if she was having a seizure with the amount her body was shaking. 

Akane was still screaming as she woke, pushing Ginoza off of her in a state of panic. He collapsed onto a nearby desk, scraping his arm on the edge of the desk and causing all of the materials to fall over him. 

Sweat rolled down her face as she processed that it was just a dream, _a dream was what it was;_ Kogami and Yuki have not reprimanded her for letting them die, they hadn't really told her she deserved to die. And yet, she believed every second of it. 

She realized she had caused Ginoza to get hurt, seeing the blood drip from his arm made her feel unbelievably guilty and disgusted with herself. 

"I'm sorry," Akane apologized, her voice shaky. "I didn't get sleep last night, I'm so sorry—"

"It's okay." Ginoza said, concern evident in his voice. "Maybe—"

She didn’t wait for him to finish and instead rushed into the bathroom, breathing heavily at the sink as tears slowly began to spill.

 _Idiot, idiot, idiot,_ She thought to herself, biting her lip with enough pressure to draw blood. _You can never do anything right._

She slammed her hand against the wall, causing pain to course through her body. Sliding down the wall, she sobbed to herself, panic still evident in her body from that horrid nightmare. 

"Tsunemori, please don't run off like that," Ginoza said, knocking on the door. "Please, open the door."

Disregarding his pleads, she rolled up her sleeve and took in the sight of the multiple scars scattering her arm. The entirety of the scars were fresh, from only a few days after the incident that occurred only months ago. 

She knew she needed to seek help. That was what she needed, after all, because she knew that eventually she really would take her own life. She thought about it everyday. 

But she didn't _want_ help, she deserved to _die_ , she deserved the pain from her scars and the self-hatred, _every part of it._

Sobbing softly, she pressed her nails into her forearm. Mild pain rushed through her body, and she continued to do so until the turmoil in her head dialed down, until she was sure she had enough. She rolled her sleeve down to make sure no one saw it. 

Akane pressed a cold cloth to her eyes for a few minutes so as to not make it too obvious that she had been crying, balancing her breathing. 

Slowly, she opened the door, smiling weakly at the concerned man and yet averting her eyes. "I'm sorry, Inspector Nobuchika. I won't allow it to happen again; it was very rude of me to sleep on the job. I'm very sorry about your arm..."

It made Ginoza quite uncomfortable to hear her address him so politely as if he was a superior she had no relations with. 

She wasn't sure if the amount of guilt she held could ever increase. She felt such intense guilt and resentment towards herself that she didn't know what to do with.

"Tsunemori... Maybe you should go home for today." Ginoza said, his voice unusually soft.

"No!" Akane said quickly, immediately resigning and looking away. "I just...... If I'm not busy, I have too much time to think, and..."

Ginoza immediately understood the need to work in order to distract oneself from sorrowful matters. 

"I understand." He answered. "If you stay by my side during the entirety of the mission and stay vilagent, I will allow it."

"Thank you." Akane said, still averting her gaze. She walked back into the office where everyone was waiting.

Silence dominated the room. Akane looked around to find everyone staring at her, mostly looks of concern. To her, they were looking down on her. They thought she was weak. Of course they did, of course they did, _of course,_ because that's what she was— _weak and incompetent._

She found the new enforcer staring at her. And she remembered Kogami smirking at her from across the room, his disheveled hair and laid back position portraying the cool flamboyant attitude that Akane loved so much. And then he faded into some other man. A new person, who they replaced him with at the snap of fingers. They didn't think anything of Kogami, his death didn't affect them in any way. 

It made her so angry, because if it had been her, they would have acted like it was such a big loss. But she knew in reality no one cared about her, no one would really be sad if she died. They would all be better off with out her pessimistic and annoying attitude. 

_It should have been me,_ she thought. And before she knew it, she was grabbing the new man's collar, shaking him and yelling into his face, "You think you can replace him just like that?! You can't! You _can't_! You don't deserve to be sitting there, it should be him, it should be _him_!" 

She felt her voice cracking and the silence in the room, she felt Ginoza's touch on her shoulders, trying to pry him off of the man, she felt the man's condescending attitude, but most of all she felt _him_. 

She felt his _touch_ , she felt his _voice_ , she felt his _heart_. It was all in this one chair. It all started here, he sat here for so long, the spiritual meaning couldn't just vanish overnight. 

It felt like her heart was being squeezed. She missed him so much, she couldn't live with herself, she couldn't go without thinking about it every second, how it should have been her, _it should have been her._

"Tsunemori, please..." 

She couldn't hear anyone, she could only hear her destructive thoughts and feel the tears down her cheeks, crumpled on the floor in the middle of the office. 

"Get out of here," she heard herself yelling. "Bring him back, _bring him back!"_

She felt herself being carried, and his stare at her back as she left the room. But quite frankly, she didn't care. 

She didn't care about anything. 

_What was the point of living with this guilt?_ It's not like she even deserved to live. Even dying wouldn't be enough for forgiveness. Not from Kogami, not from Yuuki. 

_It's all my fault._

_If I never existed, they would be alive._

_You deserve to die._

She felt the sobs shake her body, and her heavy contorted breathing, she couldn't _breathe_ , couldn't _breathe_ , all she could hear were the strangled sobs and the wailing that escaped her body. And she felt Ginoza trying to comfort her, but she pushed him away, breaking apart from him. 

"Just leave! Get out of here! Stop trying to help me!" She yelled at him between sobs. 

"Tsunemori, there's no way I can..." 

"Yes you can! You're just doing this to make yourself feel better! Just go away, your act is pathetic!" 

She couldn't believe she was saying this, _how could she be so mean? What was happening to her?_ It only made her cry harder. 

"Tsunemori-" 

She grabbed his hand, "Leave! Get out of here! I don't want you!" 

It seemed to have worked, because she heard the click of a door closing. 

And she was left all by herself, in the ugly apartment building. 

She reached for the knife in the drawer, her hands trembling. 

_You're pathetic._

She thought, dragging the knife across her thigh and drawing blood. The pain stung, it stung so bad and she had to hold her breath and hold her leg, but she continued. 

_You should just die._

Another slice. 

_All you do is cause death around you._

Another. 

_Everyone hates you._

Another. 

_You don't deserve to live._

Another. 

_Why don't you just kill your self?_

She stopped, her body heaving with sobs. 

_I want to die,_ she thought, _I want to die._

She looked to the right and saw a picture of her and Kogami, Kogami wearing a small smile on his face and Akane smiling wildly from ear to ear. 

She took the picture and tore it, tore it to _pieces and pieces and pieces_ , screaming and wailing. 

_It should have been me, it should have been me, it should have been me_

She slashed at her thigh more, until she felt dizzy, and her hands were soiled with blood. The floor was covered with the blood, it covered the piece that held Kogami in it, and she picked it up and cried, cried, _cried_. 

_It was you._

_He would have been much better of without you._

_No one wants you here._

_You can't do anything right._

_I hate myself._

Shaking, she grabbed a gun from her drawer.   
It looked just like the one that Shogo had used when he pulled the trigger, the bullet that was heading straight for her until Kogami pushed her out of the way and took the bullet to his chest. 

She found herself in the same field that it happened, the truck as well as the bodies gone, but she remembered exactly where Kogami was left, she fell into the grass and picked at the grass almost obnoxiously, like if she would find him laying here and smiling at her, saying that it was a joke. 

_You're stupid._

She pulled out the gun. 

_It's all because of your stupid ideals that they're dead._

_Your weakness._

_Your stubbornness._

_Your naïveté._

_How could you let Yuuki die like that?_

_Heartless._

_Heartless._

_Heartless._

She placed the gun to her forehead, the tears gone from her face. She was at peace. 

This is what needed to happen. This is what everyone wanted. This is what she deserved. 

And then, as if the world was pulling one more cruel joke on her, she heard her name called. 

"Akane, please, don't do this!" 

It startled her, and she aimed wrongfully. She felt the extreme pain course through her body and she screamed, she yelled in pain and held her chest. She felt the blood leaving her body as she was picked up by someone. 

She found herself laughing. 

_Even in death,_

_she still couldn't do anything right._


End file.
